Things I'll Always Believe as a Domestic Violence Survivor.
Domestic Violence Truths I'll Never Stop Talking About
The longer I do this work, the more I realize there are certain conversations I keep coming back to.
Not because they're trendy.
Not because they're controversial.
Because they're true.
As a survivor, advocate, speaker, and someone who spends a lot of time talking to other survivors, there are a few things I believe deeply about domestic violence and trauma.
These are the truths I'll never stop talking about.
There Is No Perfect Victim
One of the most harmful expectations placed on survivors is the idea that there is a "right" way to be a victim.
People want survivors to be sympathetic.
Calm.
Consistent.
Perfect.
They want us to leave immediately.
Report immediately.
Heal immediately.
But trauma doesn't work that way.
Some survivors stay.
Some leave and return.
Some never report.
Some tell everyone.
Some tell no one.
None of those choices determine whether the abuse was real.
The existence of abuse is not dependent on whether someone responds perfectly to it.
It Was Never Your Fault
Not when you stayed.
Not when you loved them.
Not when you believed them.
Not when you went back.
One of the most devastating effects of abuse is how effectively it shifts responsibility away from the person causing harm and onto the person experiencing it.
Survivors often spend years carrying guilt that never belonged to them.
The responsibility for abuse belongs to the person who chose to abuse.
Always.
There Aren't "Two Sides" to Abuse
This is one that makes people uncomfortable.
Whenever abuse allegations become public, people often say, "We need to hear both sides."
But abuse is not a disagreement.
It's not a misunderstanding.
It's not a relationship conflict where both people simply have different opinions.
Abuse is a pattern of power and control.
Of course there are two people involved.
But asking for "both sides" often assumes the person causing harm is a reliable narrator about the harm they caused.
As survivors, we know that isn't always true.
Bravery Is Not One-Size-Fits-All
Society often celebrates the survivor who speaks publicly.
The survivor who testifies.
The survivor who advocates.
The survivor who becomes the face of a movement.
And those survivors deserve recognition.
But so does the survivor who quietly leaves.
The survivor who tells one trusted friend.
The survivor who makes a safety plan.
The survivor who survives another day.
Bravery takes many forms.
Not everyone heals loudly.
Trauma Doesn't Disappear Because You've Healed
Healing is real.
Growth is real.
Recovery is possible.
But trauma isn't something you simply erase.
There are still dates that hurt.
Stories that hit too close to home.
Memories that appear unexpectedly.
That doesn't mean you've failed.
It means you're human.
Healing is not forgetting.
It's learning how to carry the weight differently.
Abuse Changes You
This isn't pessimistic.
It's honest.
Trauma changes the way you see relationships.
The way you trust.
The way you move through the world.
There is often pressure to "get back to who you were before."
But many survivors never become the person they were before.
And that's okay.
The goal isn't becoming your old self.
The goal is becoming a version of yourself that can thrive despite what happened.
Survivors Belong at the Table
If we're creating policies, training professionals, changing laws, improving reporting systems, or educating communities, survivors need to be involved.
Not as an afterthought.
Not as a token voice.
As partners.
Because lived experience is expertise.
And some of the most important lessons about prevention, accountability, and system failures come directly from the people who have experienced them firsthand.
Final Thoughts
These aren't just opinions I've developed over time.
They're truths I've seen repeated again and again through conversations with survivors, advocates, researchers, law enforcement professionals, and families impacted by violence.
The more we challenge myths about abuse, the more space we create for survivors to be believed.
And that's a conversation worth continuing.
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